carnival-phantasm:

1kpenny:

teathattast:

Lost in the sauce

reclaimingtwilight:

roxilalonde:

fun facts about stephenie meyers siblings ft. my escalating levels of distress and concern:

• all of her siblings’ names (seth, emily, jacob, paul, and heidi) end up in the twilight saga in one way or another
  
• not all incorporations are made equal
• i.e. heidi is a glorified extra who shows up for 2 chapters at the end of the second book whereas jacob is literally the secondary love interest for the entire series
• on a scale from jacob to heidi how bad is your relationship with your sister
• seth and paul are both werewolves
• seth is a sweet, harmless baby brother type in the books and also the name of one of meyer’s sons so im gonna take a leap and say he was steph’s favorite
• except for jacob, who got to be the third billing character in the series while everyone else got to be a tertiary character at best
• emily gets horribly maimed. so uh. thats fun
• on a scale from seth to emily how bad is your relationship with your sister
  
• i cant stop thinking about heidi though like. all of the others have moderate to important roles in the series meanwhile heidi is just some italian chick who eats people and says MAYBE 3 words? she’s like the volturi’s receptionist or something. a fucking receptionist
• all of this is just varying degrees of batshit obviously. i cannot imagine my sister writing me as a character in her pulpy vampire romance novel and us ever being on speaking terms again
• how do you react to that? how do you have a relationship. how do you roll up to thanksgiving and sit across the table from someone who makes $50 million a year off a YA series where YOU are a speaking character
• actually never mind. yeah if my sister made $50 million a year i wouldnt say shit to her about it either
• still though
• somewhere out there is a man named “jacob meyer” who has never known peace 

me: *never chooses names of people i know when i write because i would be so uncomfortable if someone did this with me*

smeyer: *pulls this*

sasukespussy:

homestuck:

callout76:

do you ever have a good url just to flex on 90% of tumblr users

no

yes

samephonewhothis:

frawgs:

frawgs:

i just saw my cousin on tinder can i die shes gonna know i’m gay

WAIT THAT MEANS

kitkat-the-muffin:

alpinewriter:

one-time-i-dreamt:

I was hanging around at my boyfriend’s place (in hindsight he was probably Satan) and we were just chilling, doing normal things, when a long, sleek, black car pulled up outside of his house. My boyfriend, suddenly very nervous and twitchy, told me to go and hide in the closet. When I asked him what was up, he just told me it was a “work associate” so I went and did as he said. I peeked a little bit out of the closet to see who this person was. I wanted to see who could possibly get my boyfriend, the actual Devil, to tremble in fear. And lo and behold, it was Ted Cruz.

Reflections on this post:

1. I need to read URLs.

2. “in hindsight he was probably Satan” may be the single greatest hook to a story that I’ve ever seen.

3. The levels of stress and suspense that occur in the rising action here rival that of some of the greatest survival horror works that exist on this earth.

4. “And lo and behold, it was Ted Cruz” is probably the only sentence that could make the conclusion to this story more terrifying, and ended the story in a way far superior to anything my own sense of dread could have come up with.

This dream got a freakin book review

zsnes:

zsnes:

medicinal cannabis is legalized but not medicinal croc shoes 🤔

my divorce.

systlin:

vantwinblade:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

toodrunktofindaurl:

my brother is getting married and i’m so excited to fulfill my destiny as the embarrassing drunk gay sister who flirts with the bride for the entire ceremony

i’m gonna yell “RUN AWAY WITH ME” to her during the vows

there are people out there genuinely worried that I’m gonna steal my brother’s bride away the day of their wedding… i’m laughing. I’ve known her since I was born, we just love annoying the shit out of my brother and this “you picked the wrong sibling” joke has been going on for as long as I can remember. The whole family is in on it. The three of us are super close, she’s always been family. Also we are really bad at romantic weddings (my Mom wore jeans at my Dad’s and hers, signed a bunch of papers and then got blackout drunk), and my brother and his girlfriend probably won’t even have a “real” ceremony, just a celebration between friends and family. I love my brother and he already knows I’m gonna pull some stupid stunt, it’s what we do. His girlfriend is usually the one to initiate these shitty jokes, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the one to stop the “ceremony” to say some shit like “WAIT THIS IS THE WRONG SIBLING”. please don’t take any of this seriously lmao

that said, i’m definitely showing up half naked to her bachelorette party as the “surprise stripper” with a sash that says “the sibling your should be marrying” and a shitty plastic tiara

UPDATE: 

1) for people confused about the “I’ve known her since I was born (…) she’s always been family”: She’s the granddaughter of our parents’ neighbors, we all grew up together and my brother and her have been in love since they were babies. He held her hand as she made her first steps, they even have a picture on their wall of the moment before she first tried to get up

2) IT’S OFFICIAL, I’M GONNA BE MY BROTHER’S BEST MAN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST MAN DO? A SPEECH. Everything is going according to plan.

If you are the best man you need to get a sword.

^ This is true it’s only logical. 

all the other kids see my fucked up kicks

alienpapacy:

Better Run Better Run…

bitchycode:

‪What part of “i don’t wanna spend anymore money” don’t I understand

glumshoe:

adragon-slayer:

glumshoe:

be-our-221b-guest:

glumshoe:

in 2011 my friend was playing with my hair and I joked that my deactivation switch was hidden on my scalp and we both laughed

a few moments later, he stroked the back of my head and I only managed to say “wait—“ before literally passing out and collapsing to the floor

whAT HAPPENED

[shrug]

My nervous system is kind of a bastard and sometimes likes to shut down without warning in response to certain kinds of stimuli - to go into some kind of emergency survival mode by helpfully diverting blood from my brain. Cool? Thanks?

I suspect it’s more physically hardwired than psychological - I didn’t know I was afraid of needles until a few years ago because I didn’t feel fear in response to them… I just got fun dramatic physical responses for no apparent reason without experiencing a sense of dread or anxiety.

Anyway I guess now any kind of “sharp” physical sensation, like needles or a hair being snagged too close to my spinal cord, has a chance of registering as life threatening emergency: go directly to unconsciousness do not stop do not collect $200.

Oh so you’re who they based the guy in ratatouille on

oh my god